I’m someone that genuinely tries to look at things holistically and with nuance. I love to ask questions, especially for things that I may not necessarily have experience in yet. “How to have a long-lasting and successful marriage?” being the main focus for this post.
Mostly just writing for myself, I’m not giving advice.
We all hear the typical advice, yet I know there’s more to it, and maybe aside from the intuitive insights from the Gottman Institute, maybe there’s something more grounded in existing data that can be examined.
One particular comparison I’ve seen is a strong correlation between college education and reduced divorce rates.
How are Education and Divorce Rates Connected?
I’m unsure if the reduced divorce rate is due to a later marriage age or a more structured life after college, in order to pay bills/debts, or economic potential… These are only just some of the potential contributing factors to why these divorce rates are lower.
I argue that with additional education, students are positioned in non-physical yet stressful environments where you must figure out how to manage and navigate such stressors. Does this promote active communication and emotional regulation in scenarios that have either professional, social, or personal excellence consequences? I believe when people are able to surpass these environments, they develop a ‘growth mindset’ and have had an opportunity to regulate their nervous system despite strenuous scenarios. This could indicate that effective communication is a strong factor in success.
And yet we do see college-educated women marry non-college educated men. However, those men tend to be ones that are more economically viable and own successful businesses without the need for a degree. That security and trajectory appear to be the attractors and promote the man’s confidence.
Do Degrees Mean Anything?
In recent years, there has been quite the chatter about male demographics. What their habits are, how their behaviors differ from women, and so forth. And even in my own observations there are some correlations I haven’t seen make their way to the mainstream discussions, particularly when it comes to relationships.
Primarily, there is an ongoing trend of young men rejecting college education. College attendance is represented by 57.3% women and 42.7% men. And those who actually do graduate, 47% of women between 25 and 34 have bachelors degrees compared to 37% of men.
With the direction of the industry and the declining requirement for a degree, being deemed as a superficial barrier for entry, I’ve found myself thinking, ‘is a degree really worth it?’ (At least, outside of STEM applications) At times, I still struggle with that question. Currently, I view college education as a means to pass on generational wealth of knowledge, enabling the next generation to have access to the middle class (however long that social class remains to be relevant).
The question remains, why do college educated couples have a greater success rate?
Married vs Single Finances
Married couples generally incur smaller debts relative to their dual income and economies of scale. They may have higher absolute debt, but their net worth tends to be higher. Marriage definitely implies a sense of financial prowess in today’s age that was difficult to obtain in previous generations when applied intentionally. This does give the impression of a stronger financial security, if both spouses have work or a strong earning potential relative to peers.
College educated couples, while having a higher debt (student loan debt), also often achieve a higher long-term financial stability.
Singles already incur a ‘singles tax’ in the current societal framework exemplified by inflation rates that are difficult to keep up with, single living situations, and the requirement to portion a larger portion of income to their own survival. In contrast, dual income can be fractional given the reduced living space situation and only an incremental increase in survival costs. While both may have individual debts, these reduced costs assist the couple in providing manageable methods to alleviate that effort together. Thus both become a helpmeet.
But I do wonder if these college educated couples also incur smaller debt related to their weddings or other expenditures if a lot of them delay marriage/kids because of the debt accrued.
Yet, maybe there are other factors that aren’t directly related to the actual education and financial potential (even though those do seem to be the most prevalent factors of this correlation).
Spouse Behaviors?
Maybe it’s about individual character traits that are exemplified in star student behaviors.
Namely: Curiosity, conflict management, social parity, and passion.
Curiosity
Recently, I’ve been learning a lot about curiosity as it pertains to career growth and ai. How curiosity is a leading indicator for not just being an interesting person, but one that would be interested in you as well. Curiosity is a compounding equation in social dynamics. It even promotes deeper bonds given how interested you are. But only as long as you’ve found someone equally as interesting.
Conflict Management
Conflict management is a strong attribute to develop in college. When you’re surrounded by many peers your age, you’re able to experience a myriad of scenarios in dynamics with professors or socially that have the potential to create social animosity if not handled with care. It can get messy. We make mistakes. We learn. And we grow. Sometimes we have to move on from seemingly solid relationships, and that’s ok. What we take are the lessons and how to apply them moving forward.
But when we don’t have those experiences, I’d argue it’s harder to navigate those scenarios in a relationship, especially if the other person has little experience in that area. It creates an emotional incongruence for calibrating behaviors. Meaning, you would need to put in more effort into supporting the other person who hasn’t had those socially vulnerable moments.
Maybe we can extract some fundamental learnings from such scenarios and apply them to our relationships? Like when we get in fights, it’s not about what is being communicated but how. When we use contempt, criticizing, stonewalling, and defensiveness, it’s probably best to re-evaluate. Only we know how our nervous system is acting, and sometimes, we need to remove ourselves from the scenario to recalibrate before engaging in a steady tone once more.
Social Parity
We need to have some method or agreement for how things are divided. One person can’t constantly be picking up the slack. Social parity is teamwork. Even though in some perspectives it can look uneven, we need to take into account all the things the other person is doing. It needs to be communicated. If we don’t have that open communication, resentment will fester.
Passion
Passion for a topic in education is not something you can just half ass. Especially if you intend to be a strong student. It’s intentional. That’s how relationships can be strengthened. Keeping the mindset of ‘I get to’ rather than ‘I have to’.
Long term success requires deliberate, consistent, and difficult effort.
It is not easy, but it is an investment. Hurtful things will be said, but vulnerability also garners the best rewards. I think we need to count the occurrences of good times versus the bad moments as a constant reminder. We mainly focus on what feels frustrating, but ignore the number of good moments, let alone their impact.
I believe maintenance is pretty valuable for the longevity of a relationship. It’s much easier to have periodic check-ins instead of waiting for failing components. Proactive protection is more effective and is key to preventative actions. Things like ritualized date nights as these encourage your best presentation and ongoing pursuit. Does reducing such habits remove the allure, lust, and sex appeal of the other person? When we don’t allow space for the emotional development of the relationship, neither person is able to feel emotionally safe.
I think these behaviors empower us to enjoy each other’s company and presence. When time is stretched thin and moments together become sparse— when they become a roommate, are they still attractive?… And how do we prevent that? Both spouses need attention and love to secure a strong relationship, not to become roommates.
Is Love Undying or Nurtured?
When we focus on the infatuation and physical lust in the beginning, we need to be honest that it won’t last forever. That there need to be other motives for such a relationship. Love evolves into companionship and commitment.
Something I wonder is if people are spending more time planning their next trip than investing in their relationship?…
I think there’s a great emphasis that marriage must persist and only ‘til death do you part. While I agree with those sentiments, I think it’s better to work towards the best chances of securing a successful marriage rather than relying on the aspirations of traditional customs.
At least… Those are the questions I keep coming back to.
Leave a Reply